Notes on Quitting
One of the only times I saw my father cry, I was in high school. He came home late, glassy-eyed and smelling of smoke. I pulled a smashed pack of my mother's cigarettes (he wasn't a smoker) out of his shirt pocket and called him a Loser (teenage lingo//WAR ON DRUGS). He looked at me, slouching as we sat on the floor, saying repeatedly - "I'm a WINNER" with tears forming in his eyes. I was stricken, but didn’t know exactly why.
He held a lot of things in, as many men do. Not a man of tempers, he never really lost it, unless he was chasing other women around. My mother is the opposite - golden rays and hail storms, you'll know before she enters the room. She's loyal to a fault, I think I got some of that.
Parents are people too, some live and learn, others really dig their heels in. This is the part where unconditional love gets weird, accepting all those faults and foibles, not knowing marriage to look any other way. I took my family's example and raised the bar, finding my way into some real ugly situations.
I was 34 before a wise woman read my cards and shared her father's words - when someone tells you who they are - BELIEVE THEM. Not the second time he calls you a filthy name or threatens you, but the FIRST. There is no love coming to protect you when he gets real pissed off and puts a hole in the wall. Wait around, no one believes you. She must like it. Bat shit crazy. YOU BET I AM. And it only gets worse.
GET OUT NOW.
You cannot control, save, or fix anyone but yourself. God help us all, never gonna happen in a destructive environment. SAVE YOURSELF. There are no winners in an abusive dynamic, we all lose.
Knowing when to leave is the ultimate strength. Get out, and let the sunshine in. Peace is the natural high. Kindness is healing, be good to yourself. Fill your cup, set healthy boundaries, and share with others. We can do this.
Lokah Samastah Sukhino Bhavantu
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