Notes on Detours
What do you want to be when you grow up? For me, I never once thought to answer "mother." But when I was 29, I met and fell deeply in love with a man who had two children, and learned the best I could to do a job no one asked or wanted me to do, to love as a mother loves. Years post-divorce, I grieve those kiddos above and beyond all else.
Before all this, when I was 23, just moved back to Austin to finish my degree, I had recently started dating a man I met in a bar who knew I was not on birth control, and lost himself inside me anyway. I sickened when it happened. I had never been pregnant before, but my mind immediately knew the body's truth. When a test confirmed over a month later, I had already broken up with him out of resentment.
Big moments in life, when decisions seem bigger than choice, the consequences too dire on either side. I wrestled for months while separated from my husband, wanting to come home every time he asked yet knowing I couldn’t return unless he did his work to make it a safe space for us to share. I wished to God so many million times I would have forced a condom on that bartender, but as my dad says, "CAN'T BACK THE BUS UP BABY!"
Perspective is something that shifts with time, location, and distance, only so much awareness to be gained from any one vantage point. I like to believe we do the best we can with the tools we're given. Make mistakes, live & learn, that's the hope anyway. For everything else, there's GOD. Actually all of it, He doesn't very well mind political red tape or belief systems.
So here I am on my last leg of a 6-month walkabout around America's center, thinking I'd accomplish one thing, but instead having discovered so much more within and beyond myself. I am full, and properly homesick. In need of friends and familiar sheets and casual routines. Feeling called to pause and reflect and reorganize for what's next. Probably can't keep me quiet for long, but I need a good rest. In the meantime, you can always #CALLMEFORGOODCLOTHES
“There’s just one thing in this life that’s better than happiness and that’s freedom.”
Even Cowgirls Get the Blues by Tom Robbins
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