Notes on Pollyanna

A quaint notion, thinking she could evangelize optimism in saying and doing just the right things.  And yet we see energy in motion - gravitating to those shiny, smiling souls, rather than the ones reveling in misery.  Even babies know it - unabashedly attracted to the symmetry of joy, irrespective of nationality or language.

I was 14 years old when I first attempted suicide.  My switch got flipped early, knowing exactly how and when I fell into the hole, but being utterly unprepared to claw myself out.  Depression is a pair of mud-filled goggles.  Some never find the tools to unlock the strap that binds, remaining trapped.  Hell can be a place on earth.  

If you grew up in a family like mine, either don't-ask-don't-tell, or worry yourself to death about it - you might have the coping skills of a cactus.  Stock-pile all that good shit because the drought is coming, and stay thorny because people won't care when someone comes to take-take-take it all away again.

So if you survive, in spite of yourself, you learn to be a very good chameleon.  That all worked fine and dandy until one day TRAUMA came to a head and burst wide like a watermelon dropped from a third-story window.

Here's the thing with the human body - it's an OPEN system.  There's no such thing as compartmentalization, just things in or out of alignment creating friction within and without.  So if something really painful, very terrible, something awful happens - depending on its significance and duration, how young you were at the time of occurrence, many factors - we might use The Pandemic as an example - That has the ability to create changes in how you Think and Feel.  As long as we’re avoiding those painful feelings (sleeping, eating, drinking too much, perhaps), that's energy spent avoiding what remains.

All of this to say, I did a really good job fooling myself for many years that I was not depressed (I wasn't allowed, while living at home), and those around me too, until The Pandemic tipped those scales.  Smiling Depression is very common, for that reason insidiously dangerous.  The Pandemic may have subsided, but it’s perfectly normal to feel lonely while surrounded by people. Remember how shocked we all were when Robin Williams took his life?  Kate Spade?  Anthony Bourdain?  

It took a village to help me dig up my original trauma, excavate that hole, and rebuild a foundation for a happier, healthier life.  Depression is a devil on my back, and I keep a lot of tools in my belt to protect myself.  But I would rather this: accepting my past, seeing clearly, and moving intentionally forward, than tiptoeing around landmines to maintain rickety illusions.

Pollyanna has a place in my heart, because I now feel genuine joy, and want to share it.  As I find healing and peace, I want the same for others.  But - and this is important - I'm practicing clear boundaries with people who do not share these same values.  That's what we call a full #LEVELUP

If you or someone you know is struggling with depression or self-harm, national hotlines provide support 24/7. You are not alone. If you are in Austin, TX, please save (512) 472-HELP in case of crisis.

In honor of Mental Health Awareness Month, and in loving memory of Micah Jolly

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